Car Gazing
Want to flip off the world? Buy a Hummer
By Derek Price
America's automotive culture has its icons. There are drive-in restaurants, old Cadillacs with giant fins, nostalgic stretches of Route 66 and an interstate highway system bigger than any other in the world.
Then there's our modern-day icon: flipping the bird.
While it's not quite in the same category as a burger at Sonic, the middle finger has become about as common today as those Cadillac fins were in the '50s. When you're coming home from work tonight, you may see a couple of cars driving aggressively when – boom! – out comes the nuclear finger from one their windows. It's amazing these drivers get anywhere considering how much time they spend making gestures at each other.
But what happens when these people get tired of flipping the bird so often? They buy a Hummer, which is a giant middle finger with wheels.
No vehicle screams "I don't give a ----" better than this one. At a time when gas prices have gone through the roof, buying a Hummer shows you've got plenty of money and aren't afraid to spend it just so you can look like Arnold Schwarzenegger when you drive to dinner at Appleby's.
Plus, it makes granola-eating, sandal-wearing environmentalists go off the handle, which is worth the sticker price all by itself.
As a clear-cut social statement, nothing tops a Hummer. As an actual vehicle, though, the results are mixed.
I spent a week driving a Hummer H2, the $50,000 middle child of the three-vehicle Hummer family, and my impressions are at two extremes.
On one side, it's an awesome off-road vehicle. I had fun driving over curbs and trying to get it airborne out in the country. You get the feeling that it can take you anywhere you want to go, even through concrete walls and over mountains if need be.
On the other hand, it's got an absolutely horrible interior. If Chevy came out with an identical interior in a $12,000 economy car, people would laugh at it for being worse than a Kia. It squeaks and rattles. Nothing fits quite right, and it's made of cheap, hard plastics that wouldn't even be suitable for a G.I. Joe toy on the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart.
The H2 is based on the same platform as a Suburban, which results in a decent ride that can be bumpy and bouncy at times, exactly as you'd expect in a vehicle designed for off-road performance.
Style-wise, the H2 looks remarkably like a Humvee, the military machine that does the dirty work for Uncle Sam. It's much more civilized, though, with a trendy, bling-bling, urban style that ends up looking like a cross between Norman Schwarzkopf and Chamillionaire.
I won't even mention the amount of gas it slurps. If you're thinking about buying one, you probably don't care – and that's fine by me.
The problem is that there are some people who think they ought to dictate what you're allowed to drive. They want to make you drive a Prius and eat nothing but organic lettuce and tofu because everything else will melt the icecaps and result in the untimely deaths of cute little chickens and cows.
So if you disagree with those folks, buy a Hummer. It will save your middle finger a lot of work.
(Derek Price is a newspaper editor and freelance writer living in Texas.
Contact him at dprice@cargazingonline.com)
The above article is provided for the interest and entertainment of our visitors. The views expressed in this article are only those of the author, who is solely responsible for the content. AutoGuide.net does not endorse any of these views, and is not to be held responsible for any of the content provided in the above article.
Click here to read Derek's past articles!
If you have any questions or comments for Derek or the AutoGuide.net, please fill out this form.
